A Toast to My First Born on His Wedding Day

Caroline and Benjamin, Saturday, 18 September 2021

Welcome everybody.

In doing my research for this toast, I reached deep into the ancient scrolls for wisdom on marriage, hoping to find the kind of perspective that only history can provide. This is what I found. The source is unknown. I believe it was discovered among runes carved into a cave wall in the middle ages. Translated, it says: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet — to see who they really are.”

It also said, “Be sure to open with a good joke.”

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On September 13, 1990, a woman screamed: “Look at the conehead on him!”

Those are the first words you’ll hear on the video from the day Benjamin Padraíc Mitchell came into the world. It was the nurse in the delivery room at Beverly hospital. Her wicked Massachusetts accent made it all the more unforgettable. And while the shape of his head normalized in short time, it turns out Ben’s brain would’ve eventually filled every cubic inch of that space. He’d likely need more.

He’s a smart guy. His brain is a rare and wonderful gift.

As a little boy, Ben was super-inquisitive. On our many adventures together — hiking in the woods, drives to the grocery store, trips to big cities — the minute he was strapped into his car seat the questions would begin. At first, they were relatively easy:

• Why is the sky blue?

• How do planes fly?

• Where does poop go?

(He was clearly pacing himself).

Later, as he approached the age where I could assume the questions about the birds and the bees would be coming, I knew I’d be off the hook. It was safe assume Ben pretty much had it figured out years earlier. That was kid stuff.

And while I can’t identify the exact moment, at some point in his late teens, this knowledge-exchange aspect of our relationship crossed over.

Now the questions were coming from me:

• Can I install a 3-way smart toggle switch where one of them isn’t smart?

• What’s the proportion of vital wheat gluten to flour for a 2-lb loaf of wheat bread?

• Should we be worried about that Manhattan-sized chunk of Antarctica that just broke off?

If Ben had a nickel for every time Kim or I reached out for help, he’d be paying for this wedding. And it’s not just the tough stuff — we go to Ben for everything from computers to cooking.

It’s become so common that we’ve considered filing for a legal name-change from “Benjamin” to “Tech Support.”

But despite that, his patience knows no end. Because Ben is very generous. Because he loves us. And he loves all of you. And he really loves YOU [pointing to Caroline].

And speaking of YOU, Kim and I will never forget the day Ben called and said: “I met someone.”

It was Ben’s sophomore year at RPI. He met Caroline at an acapella orientation event. It was exactly 11 years ago, this very weekend. There was an immediate connection. Ben was done for.

And over these years, they have been so devoted to each other. First, through school. SOOOO much school. And the degrees. And more degrees.

Together they’ve weathered internships and job searches. Startups and shut downs. Risks and rewards. They’ve pushed through serious health issues — only to come out stronger and more committed on the other side. They’ve built a little family of dogs and cats, and made themselves a home.

They always seem to know the answers.

So, the bottom line is, the next time I need to know the Economic Entity Assumption Principle of Accounting, I’ll call … [Ben interrupts with answer]

Or the next time Kim wants to know the difference between DNA and RNA, she can just reach out to … [Caroline interrupts with answer]

This is what I’m talking about. This is an intellectual match made in heaven. And so generous. Generous with their minds. And their actions. And their hearts.

We love you both so much and wish you a very long, very happy life together.

We also want to take this opportunity to thank the Horiznys for their friendship and generosity, and for this beautiful weekend that we all get to share with each other. We’re excited to welcome you to our family, and to join yours.

Kim and I and Ben and Jack want to thank you all — old friends, new friends, and family — from the bottom of our hearts for being here tonight. It means the world to us that you’ve journeyed here to join with us to help mark this wonderful occasion. Now, please eat, drink, enjoy yourselves, get to know each other — and get a good night’s sleep. We all have a huge day ahead tomorrow.

Please join me in raising a glass to the future Mr & Mrs Technical Support: Benjamin and Caroline.

Cheers!